Warrior

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
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This is no coincidence: this is the universe giving me exactly what I need when I need it. Found some self-help index cards from some of my darkest times, quotes from my therapist to help support me through. Upon cleaning out my closet to move, I’ve stumbled upon them, as I forgot they even existed. They have helped lift my spirits during this dark time we are living through, providing some hope and encouragement. So I’ve decided to pass them along. Please take what you need, you can get through this too.

The first index card reads: “if you’re struggling, here are some words of advice. These are some things my therapist tells me to help right off my demons.”

~Try to appreciate the simple moments

~Be nice to yourself (it’s ok!)

~When you’re feeling things that might be hard tell yourself that this is progress. Feelings are healthy. And we are supposed to have a full range of them. They pass. It’s always changing. Sure the wave.

~YOU are stronger than you know.

~You’re deserving of help and support.

~Stay curious and stay open.

~You are worth it.

~Don’t let anyone steal YOUR peace.

~You’re just having a bad day. It happens. And it’s ok.

~Feelings aren’t facts. People’s opinions aren’t facts.

~Asking for help takes courage. And that is strong. It is a great paradox of life. Admitting we can never truly do it on our own is the answer. We are meant to be connected to others.

~You’re worth it. And you have gifts to share. Don’t wast them.

~Breathe. Regroup and reset.

~Sit still.

-Fear is a lie.

~Just do your best.

~Do what’s best for YOU

~You have a lot to offer.

~Tomorrow is a new day.

~You have to make a decision that feels right for YOU and tune out the noise.

~Be gentle with yourself. Ride the wave of feelings but don’t act on them.

~Stay in the truth.

~Give yourself credit.

~The things we learn slowly tend to last longer.

~You have more power and control than you give yourself credit for.

~You are fighting for your life and winning one day at a time!

~All you need to do is get through today.

~It WILL get better.

~Tell yourself the truth.

Finally, the last card reads “all the credit for these quotes goes to my therapist, Amy. The one who helps me learn the truth, speak the truth, live the truth, accept the truth and hopefully love the truth.” And I hope you can too.

“If you only walk on sunny days, you will never reach your destination.” 🌟

Because connection really is everything

I’ve been evaluating almost all of the relationships in my life lately. This is a trigger and daunting task for me. Sometimes my thoughts make me feel as though I’m alone and hopeless. This is a part of why learning that my therapist would be away most of July led to feelings of abandonment, loneliness, anger, sadness, hopelessness, depression, fear and more. “Great,” I thought, as my mind told me that I didn’t have anyone in my life there for me and the one person that was, left. I don’t put many people on a pedestal, but this relationship is a connection that’s different from many others in my life. Which partly makes sense because you’re therapist is someone you tell your deepest, darkest shit to and therefore should be someone trusted and highly regarded. So I worried and wondered how I was going to survive the past few weeks, questioning if it would be easier just to throw in the towel. Were there difficult, stressful, depressing and anxious moments? Of course. Were there times I felt alone? Sure. Scared? Yep. Sad? Hopeless? Anxious? You bet. It wasn’t easy. But to be honest, I’m a little proud of how I got through it. And in the midst of my feelings of abandonment and disappointment, I reminded myself “don’t put your therapist on a pedestal, they’ll fall too.” This is something I learned from one of my own clients. It really stuck with me and showed me that everyone will disappoint you at one time or another. But furthermore, people can disappoint you and they can still be there for you. Because when you have that type of connection, it can never be lost (with work of course). 🌟

{self} harmful

Although I’ve grown a lot over the years, I still spent a significant amount of time trying to fight off disruptive, ruminating thoughts. I still have moments where I am flooded and overwhelmed with all things eating disorder, anxiety, stress, and unfortunate, deep and dark feelings of depression. One of those extra dark moments was several weeks ago when I was feeling extremely depressed, hopeless, and alone. I had passive thoughts of not wanting to live anymore, as I laid in emotional pain in my bed that night, just wishing it was a normal hour so that I could reach out to someone—preferably my therapist. Instead, however, I reached for a blade of sorts and cut away at my wrist—giving up the significant “clean time” I had from self harming. In split seconds, I felt that I had given up so much as I sat cutting until I bled, until I saw my skin open, until it felt “good enough.” However, that will never be good enough. As those cuts turned to scabs, the scabs eventually faded and became scars. Since having new scars on my wrist, I am both angry and disgusted with myself. I’m both mad that I gave in and disgusted with the scars. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted to cut again, but every time I look at those scars, I loathe myself even more. I see the exact lines I cut, hoping for some kind of peace, to be seen, to feel ok. I hope to in the future look at those scars and see that because of that moment in time, I am stronger. That slicing my wrists open wasn’t how my story ended. That even though I didn’t care and I may have wanted to die, I still made it. And hopefully one day I can show others my scars and be honest that those reflect the deep pain that I have gone through. To say that this isn’t how my story was going to end and it won’t be how yours will end either. Because even though they’re ugly and a painful reminder, they’re a part of my story too. And if you look at a picture of dashes or marks of any sort and you see anything other than mere lines, I am so very sorry. Because I know that pain, I have been there and I still live it. And if you feel so desperate and hopeless as to hurt yourself in any way, your pain is real, your story is important, and you deserve to get help.